Church of Hell

 

Most people are aware of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, whose arrival, filled with Death, War, Famine and, er, that other thing, announce the End Times. What they may not know is that, much like a stand up comedy club, you don’t send your headliner out before the lesser known opening acts. There are, in fact, a vast and sundry horde of less dire omens that signal the coming of the coming of the End. I like to call them the Fluffers of the Apocalypse and I have begun to see them.

Take for example the monstrosity I saw at the grocery store parking lot the other day. I was looking for a parking space when it lumbered by: a colossus of pastel plastic and hard-core tackiness that made me double take so fiercely that I nearly got whiplash. It was, no joke, a Mary Kay Hummer and it was piloted by the FLAP* named Ego.

I hate Hummers. I hate them so badly that when I enjoy a well made commercial and see the Hummer logo, I actually feel guilty and a little dirty. And seeing the pink Mary Kay branded Hummer, it was apparent to me that the end was near. I just wonder how much eye liner and foundation the owner had to sell (and other gullible people she had to sucker) to get her hands on that thing.

My hatred of Hummers is actually more of an offshoot of my hatred of massive, ego stroking SUVs. There’s a local mechanic here who runs a place called the Lusty Wrench. He’s a certified advanced level Hybrid mechanic, recycles everything and won’t generally work on SUVs. If you come in with an SUV he will ask you why you own it. If you don’t have 8 kids or study newts in the middle of a swamp, then you don’t need it and he won’t work on it. I kind of like that attitude. When I lived in LA, where the most inclement weather during the year is a mild drizzle and some wind, these things were more common than fake smiles and orange tans. And since they were so expensive, no one ever took them off road ever. They are nothing more than ego boosts, just like sports cars. They made people feel important. The problem is that those off us in smaller, gas efficient cars are getting our heads ‘sploded by jack-nards in three ton SUV whose bumpers are situated exactly at small-car-driver head level. Coupled with the fact that the people driving these things are about ten feet about street level, can’t see shit through their $500 Uber-tint Oakleys and are applying make-up or reading the sports page while drinking a half-caff-soy-mocha-latte and talking to their broker on their Blackberry, they tend to drive like recently trepanned orangutans.

So the answer to keep this particular FLAP at bay would be the Ego Tax. Simply take anyone who is buying an SUV or sports car, and let a panel of environmentally conscious, middle income, hard working ‘peers’ judge their needs. If they can get away with a more efficient, safer, less obstructive vehicle, then there will be a tax applied to the sale as well as an additional tax applied based on mileage. All proceeds would go to environmental causes except for a small stipend (15% sounds good) which would go to my charity, the ‘I need an HD TV’ fund.

If people suddenly had to shell out an additional $3 a gallon for gas and pay an annual premium just to own the thing, I would think that there would be a lot less of them on the road. Hopefully none of them pink. And I wouldn’t get ‘disgust’ whiplash every time I want to go shopping.

*FLuffer of the APocalypse