The Fluffers of the Apocalypse
Most people are aware of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, whose arrival, filled with Death, War, Famine and, er, that other thing, announce the End Times. What they may not know is that, much like a stand up comedy club, you don’t send your headliner out before the lesser known opening acts. There are, in fact, a vast and sundry horde of less dire omens that signal the coming of the coming of the End. I like to call them the Fluffers of the Apocalypse and I have begun to see them.Take for example the monstrosity I saw at the grocery store parking lot the other day. I was looking for a parking space when it lumbered by: a colossus of pastel plastic and hard-core tackiness that made me double take so fiercely that I nearly got whiplash. It was, no joke, a Mary Kay Hummer and it was piloted by the FLAP* named Ego.
I hate Hummers. I hate them so badly that when I enjoy a well made commercial and see the Hummer logo, I actually feel guilty and a little dirty. And seeing the pink Mary Kay branded Hummer, it was apparent to me that the end was near. I just wonder how much eye liner and foundation the owner had to sell (and other gullible people she had to sucker) to get her hands on that thing.
So the answer to keep this particular FLAP at bay would be the Ego Tax. Simply take anyone who is buying an SUV or sports car, and let a panel of environmentally conscious, middle income, hard working ‘peers’ judge their needs. If they can get away with a more efficient, safer, less obstructive vehicle, then there will be a tax applied to the sale as well as an additional tax applied based on mileage. All proceeds would go to environmental causes except for a small stipend (15% sounds good) which would go to my charity, the ‘I need an HD TV’ fund.
If people suddenly had to shell out an additional $3 a gallon for gas and pay an annual premium just to own the thing, I would think that there would be a lot less of them on the road. Hopefully none of them pink. And I wouldn’t get ‘disgust’ whiplash every time I want to go shopping.
*FLuffer of the APocalypse