When McCain’s ad people aren’t taking metaphorical dumps on the high profile daughters of top level campaign contributors, they apparently found the time to release this weird and almost humorous attack ad portraying Obama as messianic at best and self delusional at worst. This isn’t anything unexpected - it’s a desperate tactic taken directly from the Book of Republican Dirty Campaign Tricks. I, like a lot of people, may have misunderstood what was really going on. It appears that Time.com has an article on the true nature of this advertisement and it’s much more sinister than it appears after a quick viewing.

Read more »

When I was a wee lad my mother bought a loofah for our bathroom. I was terrified of the thing. I imagined that, if I got it wet, small crabs would crawl out and pinch my tender, pale flesh. Nothing she said could persuade me that the thing wasn’t filled with little dried crab eggs waiting to hatch and devour me. Several years ago, while visiting America’s Sponge Capitol, Tarpon Springs, I learned that loofah are actually a dried subtropical cucumber. It didn’t hit me until I was in the shower this morning that the only way a loofah could become infested with tiny crabs is if Paris Hilton used it to scrub her tainted crotch.

You have to realize that this was pre-Wikipedia and my main sources of knowledge on the various topics of my interest were an ancient set of Britannica’s and that weird guy down the road who’s band played nothing but T-Rex’s ‘Bang a Gong’ all day. My mother tried reason, gently explaining the improbability of the situation before falling back to sarcastic mocking, but I still had this fear. Read more »

Merry Independence Day!
To other countries who may or may not celebrate their own Independence days, the United States may practice some rather odd rituals. Let me explain our celebration a little to help you to better understand the Fourth of July and what it means to an American.

Why?
On this day of the year, almost the entire country breaks into a near fanatical fit of patriotism, something that can be frightening to other cultures, especially Jews, Polacks and homosexuals. Don’t fear! In American English, pa·tri·ot·ism is just a word to describe mindless obedience to a right-wing political party of rich, elitist, sexual deviants! Patriotism here means a little less about ‘ethnic cleansing’ and is more about the hatred and chastising of all who would question the American government’s dismantling of their rights, the widespread corruption at State and Federal levels and the almost unforgivable lack of a lapel-mounted, Chinese made, flag-branded pin. Read more »

Since Windows took such a massive, continent spanning shit on everyone with the release of Vista (which actually has a few redeeming features if you happen to have kids and don’t plan on owning any other hardware or software) and is punishing those consumers who want to use a better working, more accepted and easier to support OS in XP, and the fact that I’m neither a Liberal Arts graduate who works for half-minimum wage and tips at the local coffee shop to support the massive battery of antiseptic salves I have to apply to multiple festering facial piercings nor am I a overly pretentious ass-bag in a new Beetle, gently weeping through a Botoxed smile at the loss of my youthful hairline, I certainly won’t be using a Mac anytime soon and I’m getting pretty sure I’ll be moving on from Windows. Read more »

If you assisted a Canadian in committing a crime (like making an Uncle Buck sequel) would you be arrested for ‘eh‘-ding and ‘aboot‘-ing?

This particularly rage inspiring move happens when a driver, usually in an SUV, minivan or 18 foot high block of cement on wheels, who is in the left of two lanes at a stop light, moves up past the delineated ’stop here on red’ line, onto the crosswalk and sometimes even past it and into the street. You, in the right lane and with the ability to turn right on red, now are unable to see oncoming traffic unless you move up even farther, guaranteeing you will get clipped by some bitch in an H3 who was too busy dialing her life-coach to see you.

Read more »

I made some guacamole yesterday and brought a tub of it into work. Everyone seemed to like it and several people asked about the recipe. Guacamole is kind of a thrown together food and so I didn’t have a recipe, but I decided to write one up for anyone who wanted it. You can read my rambling explanation or just chop everything into bits and mix it in a bowl. Read more »

I started the day with a cup of cold, stale coffee and a few rancid puffs off the dirty butt of a cigarette of indiscriminate origin. The small room I had rented at some point in the last two weeks was so small I could nearly touch one wall while my palm was firmly planted on its opposite, not that I would actually put my hands anywhere near the hole riddled walls or their moldy, puke green wallpaper. I dropped to the floor to search under the bed for another butt, realizing my mistake far too late. While the room’s floors were bare wood covered in black paint and filth, there had been, at one time, carpeting. This ancient carpeting had been worn away from most of the room except for the very edges and a rectangle that had collected the unwanted fluids, rotting foods, pharmaceutical powders and other debris that the previous occupants had drooled, dropped, spilled or spewed while laying semi-comatose on the ratty foam mattress that passed for a bed. Gagging, I lurched backwards, almost hitting my head on the small, broken, shit filled toilet that sat in the corner of the room. The image of an entire colony of large, sentient insects living in small fungus houses, happily parading cigarette butts and apple cores between mounds of used prophylactics and crushed beer cans elbowed its way into my head, saving my last shreds of sanity by edging out the actual traumatic reality of what had been festering underneath me all night for a over week. Shuddering, I decided quite suddenly that it was time to move on and find, if not better digs, at least a fresh package of smokes and a beverage that didn’t taste like the inside of a dead hobo’s mouth. Read more »

Peggy Agar, I’d like to talk to you about your recent actions and try and bring you back to reality. You work at a news show and consider yourself a real ‘journalist’, yet were so offended when Barack Obama called you a ’sweetie’ that you turned it into a national news story in an attempt to, what? Discredit him? Read more »

If you don’t know about the FOTA, or the Fluffers of the Apocalypse, they are the dire warnings of the coming of the coming of the End Times. They’ve begun to show their greasy heads, donned in backwards, dirty, ill fitting baseball caps and wearing insect-like oversized sunglasses. They’ve been driving down the streets in pink Mary Kay hummers, their Abercrombie sweaters lint free and reeking of Axe body spray. They’ve been running major media corporations and giving massive coverage to other FOTÆ for showing their gonorrhea-puss dripping lady parts after a night of free drinks at trendy douchecothèques while completely ignoring a god-damn war in which actual people are being maimed and dying. Read more »